How does one write about a new Doritos flavour without grudgingly expecting it to vanish shortly thereafter, regardless of how good it is?
Like the summer love you found at camp that one year in junior high, there’s a good chance the relationship was doomed from the start, so don’t get too attached. Enjoy it for what it is while it lasts, and when the time comes and you go back to your respective schools on the opposite sides of town, try not spiral into a funk of angsty Grade 8 poetry. It will hurt, but you’ll get over it.
While I want to believe these new Ultimate Garlic Parm Doritos will be around by the time this post goes live, they may also have the longevity of my last tank of Sea Monkeys. Like my little brine shrimp pets, I still silently mourn the loss of Intense Pickle Doritos, a satisfying flavour cut short by the unending churn of product-line optimization. Sigh.
Garlic Parmesan? Hunh.
For those of you visiting from south of the border (welcome, nice to see you, please don’t invade us), kudos to your countrymen for making garlic fries a thing. I didn’t know what I was missing until a decade ago when, at an NCAA basketball game, I picked up a cardboard dish of fries topped with parm-adjacent cheese that reeked deliciously of garlic. I’ve loved garlic since I was tiny, and the pairing of garlic and cheese is as classic as it gets.
We see garlic and cheese flavours routinely in the chip/tortilla aisle, including the likes of Doritos’ sister flavour, Cool Ranch. The whole ranch vibe – from dressing to seasoning – centres on the combination of creamy, cheesy notes and pungent garlic zip. So while I applaud this new attempt at a tortilla-chip spin on garlic fries, I’m not sure it’s different enough from an existing flavour to warrant its existence.
See above regarding the longevity of anything new released by Doritos. Is this not setting up a flavour for failure? Why would someone pick Ultimate Garlic Parm over Cool Ranch? Especially when Cool Ranch is among the greatest culinary achievements America has given us?
What’s it taste like?
On its own: Opening the bag, the initial scent reminds me of flaked fish food we used to feed my goldfish when I was in elementary school. Then it veers into the smell of cheap instant noodle seasoning packets. The garlic wasn’t immediately apparent in the aroma, which wasn’t what I expected, especially given my experience with pungent garlic fries.
The first thing I get when I eat one is the cheese, which makes sense given they’re seasoned with, in descending order, romano, cheddar and parmesan cheese. All that cheese up front buries the garlic, which emerges once the cheese subsides. From there, the garlic grows and lingers. It’s sharp and strong, and a touch of acidity augments the other flavours. I like the combination, even though it’ll numb your tastebuds after a handful of chips, and you’ll be tasting garlic for the rest of the afternoon. While I could eat a sackful of Cool Ranch Doritos in one go, the strength of the garlic acts as a natural limiter for me. And maybe that’s a good thing.
Compared to Cool Ranch: When I tasted the Garlic Parm chips, I assumed they tasted a lot like Cool Ranch … until I tried some Cool Ranch chips as a comparison. Cool Ranch is far more creamy, but without the overpowering weight of garlic, the other seasonings are allowed their own time on the flavour stage. I didn’t appreciate the tomato flavours in Cool Ranch until I tried them in this context. It sounds silly to say, but trying something like this is an interesting way to find new tastes in things you thought you already knew by heart. While I still prefer Cool Ranch, I see both chips in a new light as individual flavours. And that’s not something I was expecting when I sat down to write this.
The Details
Price: $2.99 (on sale) for a 210-gram bag at Superstore in Edmonton, Canada.
Value for Money: Fine. Prices have gone up a ton on chips since the pandemic. (Side Note: I picked up a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos at the same time for comparison, and while the price per bag was the same and the bags themselves were the same physical size, the Cool Ranch bag contained 235 grams. So, 25 fewer grams in the bag with the new flavour. Oh, shrinkflation. You’re so great.)
Availability: Widespread, in both the larger grocery-store size bags and the grab-and-go bags at gas stations and convenience stores. But for how long?
Nutrition: 250 calories per 20 chips (50 grams). Same as Cool Ranch.
Verdict: I like them. I still prefer Cool Ranch, because I like the creaminess in the ranch seasoning, but I’d happily grab a bag of these … for as long as they keep making them. Just maybe don’t snack on them before entering a confined space with other people.
